Here’s to 2009
So what if I’m 3 weeks late?
In 2009, I had my yearly doses of firsts. I fell in love. I went to prom, although it wasn’t my own. I lost touch with some friends and became closer to others. I had good days and bad days. I had omg-I’m-so-happy-I-can-die-now days and omg-I-just-want-to-kill-myself days. I’ve become more wise and more stupid. I turned 18 and became an adult, but only in age. I’ve both surprised myself and disappointed myself. I’ve done things that I promised myself I would never do. I’ve done things I thought I could never do. I learned that heartbreak and heartthrob weren’t just words or descriptions; they’re things you can actually feel. I go to church by myself from time to time. I started to work, because my family doesn’t have enough to get by. I want to quit all day every day, but I don’t because what else am I going to do? But school + work + homework + little sleep then repeat kills. I learned the value of each dollar because I work very hard for each one. Especially when there’s no one around to give me a big fat hug when I need it, and sometimes, no one to ask me how my day was.
I’ve grown up a lot, more than my friends who think they’re all grown up now because they smoke and drink. I don’t judge; it’s just not for me. I’m still cherishing childhood. I just feel like I have the rest of my life to do that stuff if I want. But because of that, I’ve become more of a kid. I am happy when someone gives me a piece of candy or takes care of me. I love to sit in my mom’s lap while she fusses over me. I love when my dad tucks the blanket in around me and reminds me of when he used to do that so monsters can’t get me. I love when my brother calls me names and makes fun of me. My grandma passed away; the only grandparent I’ve been able to meet. It pains me that all I can remember are the recent years, the years when she doesn’t remember who I am because I am the youngest grandchild in the family.
I miss my friends. I miss when we could always be together, and talk about everything and anything. I miss when we weren’t too busy for each other. I miss when we didn’t have cars, so we would have to walk through the scorching hot and pouring rain together, and talk and bond in the meantime. I miss conversations about yu-gi-oh cards and childish crushes rather than those about sex and drugs. I miss trick-or-treating on Halloween. I learned that I shouldn’t blame myself. The ones who want to be around will still be around no matter what. I can’t hold on to everyone, no matter how hard I try or not try.
School is school. And I am always busy busy and crazy stressed because of it; nothing new. Engineering will never cease to be a pain. Except that now I miss having my boyfriend around, and it pains me. I hate how I’ve become so dependent, when I was perfectly fine without before. I suppose though, that you can’t miss something you’ve never had. And since I’ve had it, I can’t get rid of the need. School plus extra-curriculars feels really unmanageable when you’re really depressingly sad. I did college apps, and it really was a punch to face to realize that my dream school was no longer my dream school. I grew up working hard, high school included, because I wanted to go to Stanford. I told myself I would at least apply. I didn’t. I had begun to realize that I did not want to go there, but I felt as if I would regret if I didn’t apply. I started the application, and when I came to the question, “Why is Stanford perfect for you?” I was stuck. I had no response. And that was that. All that I really want is straight A’s. I know I’m working really hard, especially on top of everything. As for college, I will figure it out when acceptances come.
I’ve been in an over a year&a half relationship. Sometimes, I still can’t believe it. Sometimes, it feels like I’m looking at it from a third-person point of view. For the most part, I love it and I love him. It took me nine months to use love, and maybe I’m still naive and mistaken, but it’s just how I think I feel. I love that sometimes, we are still as lovey-dovey as we were since day one. But then, we’ve become a long distance relationship for the most part. When I was little, I swore to myself that I would never be in one. Funny how things change. I knew it would be really really hard, but I never imagined it to be as hard as it is. We try to see each other once every two weeks, but sometimes it’s more of once a month. For some reason, it’s completely different from when I don’t see him for a week, and when he’s away for a week. Just the thought of the latter kills, I suppose. I know some couples have it worse, but it doesn’t make this any less hard. It’s even worse when he kept messing up in the beginning without knowing it, then refusing to apologize. And then it gets even worse than that when I start thinking it’s all my fault for not being understanding or strong enough, although I know I’m not wrong because everyone tells me otherwise. I find that having a boyfriend that can never be there is much worse than not having one at all. I’ve never been so bitter in my life. I start my school day in APES sitting in a row with couples: Jimmy Bao&Victoria, then Jimmy Le&Sophia. I end my school days walking out to the parking, seeing Narom pick up Dalina every day so he can take her home or to the park if she doesn’t feel like going home yet. It really breaks my heart. Sometimes, I accumulate things throughout the day for that nightly phone call: the motivation I have to do my homework quickly, or stay up late afterwards to do it. But sometimes, even that phone call doesn’t happen because he’s too busy, or I don’t want to bother him. It’s not any of our faults, but it still sucks. And then when we do get to see each other, time is always limited. I’ve learned to cherish every hour, minute, second. I don’t pick fights and suppress my feelings because I don’t want to waste the little time we have with argument and anger. I’m not sure if that’s good, but I don’t know what else to do. To this day, there are things that I have not fully gotten over, and it eats at me. And it accumulates. Ugh, that relationship ruiner. Nicole lets me know that I’m not crazy, because she feels the EXACT IRRATIONAL things. And as time passes, there are things that fade in a relationship. Less doors are opened, and you don’t get that 100% attention 100% of the time as you once did. Sometimes you give more than you receive. I’ve made too many sacrifices, and placed so much guilt upon myself because of it. Sometimes I get bitter, but it’s just fact. And then comes the goodbyes. It doesn’t get any easier, no matter how many times you experience it. I still cry rivers after each one, including the one of two days past. I do know that my last 2 weeks of school have been my best out of the entire school year, because boyf. was around for once. I know I’m lame and ridiculous. Sue me.
I learned that I feel all my emotions in my heart or in my stomach. Tell me a sad story and my heart throbs for them. Make me worried and I’ll start having stomach pains. Being capable of love have made me capable of hate, as well as a whole array of emotions that I never knew existed. I’ve known that I cry a lot, but I don’t think I’ve ever cried more than I have this past year. Yea, maybe I’m just a cry baby. But I also learned that I’m passionate and compassionate.
Every week at mass, I pray to God to help me get through another week, and say my thanks for have gotten me through another week. I know I’m always going to make it through, but it’s just unbelievably hard sometimes.
The start of 2010 hasn’t been the greatest. There’s good, there’s bad, as always. You laugh some, you cry some. The weather continues to reflect my mood, or my emotions still control the weather, however you want to put it. I like good company and sing-a-longs. Life is hard, but I love what I have and all I do. 2010 is going to be a big year. I’m excited, for the most part.
And hey, it’s the day to honor Dr. King. (=
