Attempt #208403243
I feel the need to blog. There are things I am unable to fully express otherwise.
Life’s been pretty perfect. I’ve been warming up to senior year a lot more, and with only a few weeks left, it might be becoming the best year of high school, like many said it would be. Maybe though, we’ll see. In some aspects though, I am still quite miserable, despite the fact that I also love how most things are.
I’m not sure if I’ve changed or if situations have changed. I’ve become more mean, bitter, and hateful. Just to two people maybe, but I’ve never STRONGLY DISLIKED (or is it hate?) anyone like that before. I don’t like it, but at the same time, I could care less. Maybe I’m finally realizing that some people just aren’t worth the effort. Why keep thinking positively about people who clearly do not have any goodness within them?
These feelings also kill me on the inside, and consume my peace of mind.
The other night, I cried because I realized that I am home much too little, and do not get to spend as much time with my family as I would like. I can wash dishes at my friends’ houses, yet I am never home to wash dishes for my family anymore. And even when I am home, I am consumed with the endless pile of must-do’s that I have. Homework, clubs, phonecalls, school. That should not take precedence over family. I think of them all the time though. And with that realization, I promise to do better. But see, that’s also the wonderful thing about family. They don’t love you any less, and your relationship with them doesn’t change, no matter how little time you spend with them. But again, I promise myself to try harder.
As for my friends, I have learned to let go. Some go. Some stay. I used to feel guilty when I think it’s my fault for being too busy. But I realized this year that I am not too busy. I make plenty of time for you if you honestly make time for me. Sometimes, nostalgia does make me sad. But for the most part, I still have all who make me happiest on a regular basis. And that’s all I need. <3
I’m excited for high school to end. Classes are such a drag esp. when college is in the picture. I’m becoming sad thinking about all the clubs I will no longer be a part of. They’ve been such a huge part of my life the last 4 years, and I’m not ready to let them go. =( I’m excited for all the fun times that the rest of high school will have to offer, though. I am even more excited to be attending Berkeley this fall. In this beginning, I wasn’t sure if I was happy with my choice. Part of me knew I was choosing Cal for the wrong reasons. But after attending Senior Weekend, I met amazing people and discovered all that Berkeley had to offer. I realized that wow, I’m going to be attending one of the top schools in the nation. I shouldn’t be complaining.
Yet I am also scared. I’m glad that I’m going to be having some of my best friends with me at Cal. I am glad I have familiarity. Yet sometimes, I also wish I didn’t. I don’t want any old perceptions of me to carry on. I’m perfectly content with any reputation I’ve developed, but I also want a new one. I want to do crazy, reckless things. I want to be able to change. I want to be able to mess up and make mistakes. And I don’t want them to be able say, “Oh, you changed for the worse” or “That’s so unlike you.” I just want it to be, “Oh, that’s just who you are.” I hope I can find a good balance. I’ve had the time of my life in high school, but I want college to top it.
My current, yet long-lasting frustration, continues to be the same for the past, almost-2 years? Funny how no matter how long it’s been, no matter what you’ve been through, you still have the same insecurities and frustration that you’ve had since day 1. And I can’t believe that after all this time, you still don’t know what it is that’s bothering me. It’s both of you, and I hate it, although it’s easier to blame one over the other. Thao ceaselessly commends me for keeping it inside for so long. But sometimes, I wish I would just burst already. And I honestly hope this does not ruin my summer. But I already know that it’s going to bother me. Every. Single. Day. Like Marco says, F that B. I wish I had the guts to tell you. But if you get defensive, I think it would just drive me insane. But you have no idea how angry it makes me on a regular basis. You have no idea. And it hurts, too.
I can say I’m just really tired and 9 times out of 10, no one would know the difference.
I’ve gotten better at keeping my voice steady over the phone.
Envy is the deadliest of the 7 deadly sins.
